Seeing with New Eyes

Jocelyn's new favorite word is "help." She uses it for almost everything when she wants something or can't get where she needs to be. It sometimes sounds like "up" or "out" but usually she is saying "help." I don't mind it because it is pretty darn cute but it seems to be her first and quickest response to any situation. Like when she can't get a block into the correct shape box, she gives up and says "help!" Or when she doesn't want to go down the stairs by herself, she gives up and says "help." Or when she wants out of the high chair immediately after saying "all done" she says "help!" The issue I'm facing here is how often or how quickly should I "help"? As I was reflecting on this during quiet time this morning, I realized that she is learning how to rely on others more and not herself. This may present a little issue as she gets older but I figured out that if I teach ...

So today was one of those days that kind of explode all of your former fantasies. I had a visit from my monthly friend after 4 weeks of being convinced I was pregnant. I had visions of how good of a big sis Jocelyn would be and how far apart they would be in age and what it would look like to have 2 kids instead of one. Not that it is impossible to still have these things, but not now. And to top it off, when you get your monthly friend, the hormones that go with it make it excruciatingly painful to find out your are not pregnant. I find that these moments make me cherish each second with Jossy (especially when she is being sweet) even better. I woke her up from her nap and just held her in my arms and rocked her for a while. I kissed her little face every chance I got. I am in this kind of dark place where I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I have but mourning what I do not. I am deciding whether to run into God's arms or run away. I know it seems silly to some people but...

Today we had Jocelyn's 18 month photo shoot. We had about a bizillion outfits and ideas of how to capture her right now. I think my favorite was the Pinkalicious shoot. She had this cute pink tutu on and a pink flower in her hair. And she read her favorite book "Pinkalicious" while laying on her tummy. There were some really adorable shots. As I watched this little person display who she was in front of the camera, I couldn't help but think about how truly independent and magnificent she was. Jocelyn is Jocelyn. She is exactly the way God made her and she loves so many things that drive me crazy but they are how she was made. She loves exploring. She is determined. She is helpful. She loves praise and attention. She loves new friends and has a great judge of character. I love her and how God made her. I am amazed each day how this little tiny person was made from the smallest little cells and God grew her into a girl with all sorts of her own self. She is fearfully an...

Today, our mom's group was led by someone else (it was a nice treat, thanks Heather!). We discussed giving our entire selves over to the Lord. It was put in perspective by a passage in a book she had read. The thing that stuck out most to me was this: I give God 98% of my life and trust Him with it. But I reserve that 2% for in case I don't agree with something He has planned. That's not how it is supposed to work. If we are completely surrendered to His plan, then 98% (albeit an A) is not good enough. So I had to reflect on what that 2% is for me right now. It rotates but usually comes back to the whole bearing children thing. I get so afraid that it's not in God's plan for us to have more kids that I take back that part of me and don't allow Him in. I don't trust that He has my best interest in mind and that I know what makes me happy or satisfied more than my creator. Ugh!! That feels so stupid saying out loud but it felt good to open up about it. I have ...

I had tears in my eyes while putting Jocelyn to bed tonight. Not because I was sad, but I was filled with joy watching her interact with her daddy and I. We have a routine: bath, jammies, brush hair and teeth, read 2 books, say prayers and then into bed. She knows exactly what comes next every night. Tonight she was so good. She listened well. She did a funny little dance while I was trying to put her jammies on that made me laugh out loud. After we said our prayers, she was sitting on my lap waiting for us to put her sleep sack on when she looked up at her daddy and said "Dada!" and then she put her arms around him. I told her to give daddy a kiss. She leaned forward and opened her mouth for a big wet one. Then she leaned back and looked him in the eyes and just laughed. Tears formed in my eyes as I tried to figure out how I could capture this scene forever. I am so thankful for God and this gift of motherhood He has allowed me to witness. There are times when I get so frust...

It has been a while since my last blog. We were on a week long cruise to the Caribbean and didn't have internet access. While we were gone, Jocelyn stayed with her grandparents for the week. So many people have been asking if I missed her or how did I do it...and maybe I'm a bad mom but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. First of all, we knew she was in good hands. Secondly, I prayed plenty before leaving her and while we were away that she would stay safe. I knew God was taking care of her. Thirdly, I needed it so badly!!! I don't think I realized how one little person could affect your days so significantly but she is at my side almost all of the time. My lower back was thankful too! It was great for me to connect with my husband and allow God to grow us together again without a little munchkin being the top priority. God designed the husband and wife to be the first priority next to Him in the family unit. If the child becomes the higher priority, things beg...