Day 80 - A Rough Day in Motherhood

So today was one of those days that kind of explode all of your former fantasies. I had a visit from my monthly friend after 4 weeks of being convinced I was pregnant. I had visions of how good of a big sis Jocelyn would be and how far apart they would be in age and what it would look like to have 2 kids instead of one. Not that it is impossible to still have these things, but not now. And to top it off, when you get your monthly friend, the hormones that go with it make it excruciatingly painful to find out your are not pregnant. I find that these moments make me cherish each second with Jossy (especially when she is being sweet) even better. I woke her up from her nap and just held her in my arms and rocked her for a while. I kissed her little face every chance I got. I am in this kind of dark place where I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I have but mourning what I do not. I am deciding whether to run into God's arms or run away. I know it seems silly to some people but it is such a heartbreaking loss when you can't conceive as easy as you would like. The unknown uncertainty of it all is a lot to bear. But I have to remember this: God makes a baby. God designs who He wants in this world and when. Not me. And I have to respect that. I have to accept, once again, that I am the caretaker here, not the maker. So, on this day, in this moment, I release that burden to Him. The only One who has the power to create life!

Amen.
Jenna