Seeing with New Eyes

I was about to crawl into bed and say goodnight for the last time in 2012 when I realized that I hadn't blogged and I would miss my last opportunity for my year commitment to blogging. The cool thing is that God really showed me something in Jocelyn tonight that I had never quite seen in her before. We had some friends over for dinner and enjoyed dessert. Jocelyn played and had fun and of course, she didn't get to bed until close to 10 pm. All of this on top of not napping today. I knew some crying and sobbing when bed time came around was going to be inevitable. She took a bath and as I asked her to get out of the tub, she threw a fit. I explained that she would loose book privileges for the night. She didn't care. This began the worst tantrum I have ever seen from her yet. I picked her up out of the tub kicking and screaming and took her into her room. She tried hitting me multiple times. I called down to Mike after putting her on the ground and asked him to come try and

I wanted to document where I have been in the past 9 days with myself and God. On Tuesday, November 4th, we found out we are going to have a beautiful baby boy! What joy! Unfortunately, I let the joy of that news be stolen by some other news. We found out there was a marker on the scan for Down Syndrome. This was sudden and unexpected, of course. My regular Ob was not worried but after stating this simple fact, I couldn't get over it. I called the next morning and she made an appointment with a specialist. We prayed for answers and a quick appointment with a doctor that would be gracious and loving. God answered quickly. We were able to get an appointment that afternoon. We didn't get the solid answers we were looking for. It is quite amazing that answers of all sorts and statistics of all kinds were presented to us.  In any other environment, one that did not consider the mortality or health of your unborn child, I believe we would have been singing the praises of God for bles

I feel convicted by how I have been following God. Or no following Him. My life was dedicated to serving Him when I became a Christian but have I really sought after His will? Do I always ask and seek what He would have me do instead of what I want or think I need? As a follower, do I love others more than myself? Am I Willing to give up my family when He asks me to? To give up my comfort? To give up control? What does this look like practically? Daily? Hourly? How can I follow The Lord o f the earth and be His servant instead of the world's, or better yet, myself? Ugh! I am scum! Thank you Jesus for my life an saving my soul ! Without you, who else is there?

We went camping for the first time as a family this past weekend for one night. It was an adventure as always ! The dog puked 3 times on the way up. Jossy refused to sleep without us going to bed. We got about 4 hours of sleep total all night after lots of tossing and turning on the air mattress. But all in all, it was a great first experience. Jocelyn absolutely loved being out doors and hiking and making smores. She was created to be in the wild, I'm sure of it. On the drive up to the location we camped, Jossy kept saying "God's up the mountain." I think she was confusing what I had taught her a few days before that God made the mountains. But she remembered all the same. God's up the mountain. And He was. When we woke up on Saturday morning, we decided to hike around. We came to this valley that almost can't be described without actually seeing it. I mean it magnificent! Aspens and pine trees all around it. Tall grass with wild flowers blowing in the wind.

Jocelyn and I have started a new thing where sometimes when she gets up and sometimes before bed we go out and snuggle on the chair overlooking the downstairs living room. I rock her and sing or we talk about her day. She lays her head on my chest and pulls her purple blanket up over her body. These moments help me to reflect on what it means to be her mom. To have her meld into my body and just allow our two hearts to beat as one while we sit there. It's that physical touch that connects two people. That body to body contact. I don't think we ever get too old to need that. We were born from another human and God designed us to embrace each other for comfort. Snuggling with my little girl might be one of the best ways I feel connected to God regularly. Allowing Him to connect us at a much deeper level than I could ever design myself. It may interrupt my morning for a few minutes longer but the lasting effects felt throughout the day are worth every second. Matthew 9:21 (the w

I have really been reflecting on the sad tragedy that took place in Aurora early Friday morning. It makes me sad that we live in a world where my daughter will hear of the sick people and isn't safe wherever she goes. The thing I know is that this world has always been sad. It's fallen. Adam and Eve ate the apple and we are no longer living in a place that is safe from anything. The other thing I know is God is Good. Satan is evil. And God (good) always triumphs! At the end of the day, God has the final say and no matter what kind of stuff happens here on earth, God will use it and make beauty from ashes. That stirs a fire in me that I have never felt before. I love that I can be confident in my God to win the war on evil. So if, when something happens like this happens and Jocelyn is old enough to understand, I can give her the hope that we have in Christ that no matter what happens, He wins! Genesis 50:19-21   But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the plac

I have been really focusing on prayer lately. It has such amazing power in it's ability to connect me with God and have the freedom to really express myself to Him. I am reading a book on prayer and the most recent chapter dealt with praying like a child. This means to come to God as a child with all of my insecurities and messiness without an agenda while I pray. God wants me to approach Him with everything that's on my mind and not hold anything back, just like a child would. I have been teaching Jocelyn to pray every morning for our day. Lately, she will actually pray herself instead of me just praying for us. It's been pretty cute because her prayers go something like this: "Dear Jesus, lalala...um fruit...and mickey...and toys ummm...library. Amen!" I have no idea what she is really praying about but as I reflect on what it means to pray like a child, this can only be a perfect example. She doesn't worry about what she is saying, she just says it. She is

I was reading out of the book of 1st Samuel tonight and about all of Saul's mistakes as a king. He was much more concerned with appeasing God rather than pleasing God. He constantly took things into his own control and then turned to God when He became afraid or out of control. He disobeyed God numerous times and then tried to act like he was doing them for God. Verse 15:22 says " Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams."  I realize that we don't live in a society that still offers and sacrifices to God but it really struck a chord with me. Then I began to relate it to how I am with Jocelyn. She is disobedient daily. Part of it is her age of course but it is still frustrating. After I discipline her and she knows I am upset with her, she tries to make things all better by making cutesy eyes or she even tries to bring me something s

We stopped at the playground today because we had a few extra minutes before lunch with my mom. It has been so ridiculously hot out lately that the park is not very fun. The slides are so hot, the equipment is scalding. Too hot to really play on it. But Jossy has been begging to go on the slide and swings for days now. I went down one slide with her since it was hot and I had longer pants on than Jossy. It burned right through my pants as we slid down. It made Jossy smile to go down it though. So as I reflect on today, I think, the sacrifices I have to make as a parent to make her feel joy sometimes brings me pain. Just like how God send His son so that I could feel joy, He felt pain. Something to chew on. John 3:16 Jenna

It has been entirely too long since I have last written. Part of it is due to travel, some laziness, but mostly a dark place that I go in and out of. I have really been struggling with trying to have another child and I have been running to God with my hurt and trying to understand why it's not just easy for us. In fact, the hardest part isn't so much the fact that we aren't pregnant or don't have a second child, it's that I wish I could just be content with what I have. I have prayed several times for God to take away this desire if we aren't supposed to have another one, but it never seems to subside fully. So while I learn to wait patiently on the Lord and His timing, I look to things I have already. My husband is the most amazing man and God couldn't have put me with someone who is more perfect for me. My daughter is also amazing. In fact, my sweet teenage sister said to me the other day, "at least if you don't have another one you have Jossy wh

Some days I get up and I know it's going to be a good day by how good my quiet time was and how patient and calm I feel once Jossy and I get going. Other days are a bit more stressful. I get out of bed late. Quiet time is cut short. Jocelyn doesn't listen and begins whining as soon as she gets out of bed. Those days are the days that I feel get lost and I just keep continuing on in the same impatient ways as if the day is already ruined. I began my day yesterday and it was one that started out bad. About half way through the morning it dawned on me: God gave us a do over when He sent Jesus. If we can start our lives over, why can't we start our days over? I mulled on this for a bit and then asked Jossy to come pray with me. I thanked God for the freedom to start not only my life again moving from the past. I also asked Him to help us start our day over and this time with His guidance instead of all of the other stuff that gets in the way. I love do overs! 1 Cor. 5:17 Je

When I read the title of this post, I automatically assume "her" is my daughter. But "her" really means me too. I am currently working through a bible study called "Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian. In the past two weeks, there was a few days where I studied obedience to God and what that should really look like. I so often hear Him speak to me but I turn a deaf ear. The problem with that is it becomes a habit and God becomes harder and harder to hear the more I ignore Him. I relate this to Jocelyn too. I put myself in God's shoes (of course not literally). Jocelyn will deliberately disobey me when I can see she has heard me loud and clear. It gets very frustrating and many times I just want to give up and stop disciplining her. And when she cries out to me, it takes a bit for me to want to go running to her aid after episodes of her disobedience. I can see why God isn't as quick to answer prayers when I ignore Him regularly. My desire

I am currently in a season of growth where I am learning what it means to Honor, Respect, and Submit to God by Honoring, Respecting, and Submitting to others. This is a difficult thing for me to do since I often feel as if I am smarter and wiser than pretty much everyone else in my life.  This is an especially hard task for me when I am trying to teach my daughter how to respect her elders if I don't do it myself. She has been on the "no" train again for the past few days and throws a huge fit when she doesn't get her way. It would be pretty ridiculous if I did the same things she does when I don't get my way but I imagine this is how God sees me. It's such a tough lesson to teach a toddler that life doesn't revolve around her and that throwing a fit doesn't change the outcome. It just makes things more difficult on both of us. Once again, a very fitting analogy with my life. The most important thing for me to teach Jocelyn in this little life lesson i

The other day, Jocelyn and I were walking back from the park. She was a few steps behind me and taking her time as always. I looked back to make sure she was still close. I watched her for a second and she got this really funny, but cute look on her face. She was staring at our neighbors lawn. She squatted down and smiled as if she saw a little bunny or something. Then she began to creep towards the grass. I looked around trying to figure out with what she was so fascinated. Then I realized what caught her eye. They had just watered the lawn and the drops of water were catching sunlight and reflecting little rainbows throughout the lawn. Once she got into the grass, she reached out and touched the little drops of heaven. She became confused as to why they disappeared when she grabbed them. I tried telling her it was water drops but she insisted on continuing to touch them. I have been thinking of this for a few days and it makes me smile. My little one found some joy in the water drops

I have been a slacker on my devotionals. I have been so busy it's been on the back burner but I have had something going through my mind for a week or so. A few weeks ago I published a devo on our attempt on having a second child and how I was pretty hurt over that not happening as quickly as I would like. Since then I have been doing a lot of praying and giving that desire back to God daily. I feel that every day it seems like I am less and less eager for my timing and more and more ready for whatever God has planned. I went to Chicago this past weekend and helped my best friend get ready for her first baby. On the way there, I noticed a mom and her young daughter traveling somewhere together. I observed them for a bit and noticed how much they loved each other and how much fun they were having, just the two of them. I began to think how neat of a connection Jocelyn and I have and what a great opportunity to really form that bond with her. I find myself reflecting on that daily an

We decided to go to McDonald's for dinner tonight. Jossy is such a fearless child. She climbs all the way to the top and goes down the biggest slide without a second thought. I love watching her play because she lights up as she explores and runs around. As we were leaving, she wasn't paying attention and ran into the metal door frame hitting her forehead. We walked out to the car and mike noticed a huge goose egg where she hit. I immediately freaked out which caused joss to cry more and get scared. Needless to say, everything was fine and she didn't do any permenant damage. But at the time, it was scary and I truly feared for my daughter's health. I think sometimes we do this in our own lives. We make a big deal out of something that looks scary but is only just a bump under the skin. God always remains calm because He knows we are going to get hurt along the way. How we handle the hurt can cause more panic or it can be just another bump to remember and learn from. J

The sermon the other day contained some dog/cat theology. Our pastor explained it as this: A dog gets fed by his owner, petted, bathed, played with, etc. The dog looks at his owner and thinks "hmm...he must be God."  A cat gets fed by his owner, petted, bathed, played with, etc...and the cat thinks "hmm..I must be God." Our pastor related this to us in such that God takes care of us because He is God, not because we are. I love this analogy. So often I get caught up in my own world thinking that I am owed something or it is my right to be taken care of...so long as I am good and deserving of it. Then God helps me back to reality and points out that I am not Him nor am I deserving of anything He gives me. I have the blessings I do because God sent Jesus to take my place. For that, I can't do anything in return but love Him. On this day, when we celebrate what Jesus  knowingly did for us, for me...I want Him to know that I do love Him and I know that I am complete

My husband and I are part of a community group with our church. One of the first things we did was take a spiritual gifts test to see what each of us has been given and tried to figure out how to use it. One of the questions that was posed was "are my gifts a reflection of the job I have been doing for the past few years? or are they God given and I am in a job that suits me?" As I reflected on this, I thought about my daughter. Mike and I came up with a list of 10 or so qualities we love about Jocelyn at this age for her recent photo shoot. Some of those included: fearless, orderly, adventuresome, social...it goes on. These are things that she has that have not been affected by 30 plus years of work or relationships with others. As a mother, I need to encourage the qualities that God has given her at an early age, even if they are not like me, and help her learn how to use them. Once she gets old enough, these will translate into spiritual gifts that she can use for God'

Jocelyn's new favorite word is "help." She uses it for almost everything when she wants something or can't get where she needs to be. It sometimes sounds like "up" or "out" but usually she is saying "help." I don't mind it because it is pretty darn cute but it seems to be her first and quickest response to any situation. Like when she can't get a block into the correct shape box, she gives up and says "help!" Or when she doesn't want to go down the stairs by herself, she gives up and says "help." Or when she wants out of the high chair immediately after saying "all done" she says "help!" The issue I'm facing here is how often or how quickly should I "help"? As I was reflecting on this during quiet time this morning, I realized that she is learning how to rely on others more and not herself. This may present a little issue as she gets older but I figured out that if I teach

So today was one of those days that kind of explode all of your former fantasies. I had a visit from my monthly friend after 4 weeks of being convinced I was pregnant. I had visions of how good of a big sis Jocelyn would be and how far apart they would be in age and what it would look like to have 2 kids instead of one. Not that it is impossible to still have these things, but not now. And to top it off, when you get your monthly friend, the hormones that go with it make it excruciatingly painful to find out your are not pregnant. I find that these moments make me cherish each second with Jossy (especially when she is being sweet) even better. I woke her up from her nap and just held her in my arms and rocked her for a while. I kissed her little face every chance I got. I am in this kind of dark place where I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I have but mourning what I do not. I am deciding whether to run into God's arms or run away. I know it seems silly to some people but

Today we had Jocelyn's 18 month photo shoot. We had about a bizillion outfits and ideas of how to capture her right now. I think my favorite was the Pinkalicious shoot. She had this cute pink tutu on and a pink flower in her hair. And she read her favorite book "Pinkalicious" while laying on her tummy. There were some really adorable shots. As I watched this little person display who she was in front of the camera, I couldn't help but think about how truly independent and magnificent she was. Jocelyn is Jocelyn. She is exactly the way God made her and she loves so many things that drive me crazy but they are how she was made. She loves exploring. She is determined. She is helpful. She loves praise and attention. She loves new friends and has a great judge of character. I love her and how God made her. I am amazed each day how this little tiny person was made from the smallest little cells and God grew her into a girl with all sorts of her own self. She is fearfully an

Today, our mom's group was led by someone else (it was a nice treat, thanks Heather!). We discussed giving our entire selves over to the Lord. It was put in perspective by a passage in a book she had read. The thing that stuck out most to me was this: I give God 98% of my life and trust Him with it. But I reserve that 2% for in case I don't agree with something He has planned. That's not how it is supposed to work. If we are completely surrendered to His plan, then 98% (albeit an A) is not good enough. So I had to reflect on what that 2% is for me right now. It rotates but usually comes back to the whole bearing children thing. I get so afraid that it's not in God's plan for us to have more kids that I take back that part of me and don't allow Him in. I don't trust that He has my best interest in mind and that I know what makes me happy or satisfied more than my creator. Ugh!! That feels so stupid saying out loud but it felt good to open up about it. I have

I had tears in my eyes while putting Jocelyn to bed tonight. Not because I was sad, but I was filled with joy watching her interact with her daddy and I. We have a routine: bath, jammies, brush hair and teeth, read 2 books, say prayers and then into bed. She knows exactly what comes next every night. Tonight she was so good. She listened well. She did a funny little dance while I was trying to put her jammies on that made me laugh out loud. After we said our prayers, she was sitting on my lap waiting for us to put her sleep sack on when she looked up at her daddy and said "Dada!" and then she put her arms around him. I told her to give daddy a kiss. She leaned forward and opened her mouth for a big wet one. Then she leaned back and looked him in the eyes and just laughed. Tears formed in my eyes as I tried to figure out how I could capture this scene forever. I am so thankful for God and this gift of motherhood He has allowed me to witness. There are times when I get so frust

It has been a while since my last blog. We were on a week long cruise to the Caribbean and didn't have internet access. While we were gone, Jocelyn stayed with her grandparents for the week. So many people have been asking if I missed her or how did I do it...and maybe I'm a bad mom but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. First of all, we knew she was in good hands. Secondly, I prayed plenty before leaving her and while we were away that she would stay safe. I knew God was taking care of her. Thirdly, I needed it so badly!!! I don't think I realized how one little person could affect your days so significantly but she is at my side almost all of the time. My lower back was thankful too! It was great for me to connect with my husband and allow God to grow us together again without a little munchkin being the top priority. God designed the husband and wife to be the first priority next to Him in the family unit. If the child becomes the higher priority, things beg

The past two days were wonderful with Jocelyn. She has been following directions very well and only had to go in time out a handful of times in both days combined. These are days that make me feel like I am a good parent. They allow my love for her to grow exponentially. We went to the store to help her daddy find some new running shoes. There was a small, fake running track that lay on the floor just calling for use. Jocelyn thought it was pretty cool that she could follow the line on it. We had a race and she won. The smile that lit up on her face was contagious. Everyone in the store couldn't help but notice her. This moment in time brought me joy that I would have never imagined finding in a sporting goods store. Yesterday Jossy and I played airplane in her room after nap time. She has no fear so I put her way up high on my feet and then let her fall into my hands. She wanted to do this over and over again. Every time her little face would fall towards mine, I would smile. This

When I was pregnant with Jocelyn, I was worried about a lot. Is she okay? Is she healthy? Does she have all her fingers and toes? You know, the big ones. And I also worried about whether or not she would be cute. I know it's a silly thing to worry about but I did. But I have come to realize that God has a great sense of humor when it comes to requests like this. I got a really cute kid but I forgot to ask for a well behaved one. She is in the thick of some sort of developmental stage and she has tried my patience to a breaking point. Today, we went to story hour and had to leave early because she was throwing a fit. I was so frustrated that we had to leave but even more because as we were leaving she began saying "byeee" in her cute little voice like she was getting away and everyone else was a sucker. This made me so mad. In fact, I called Mike crying because she has been so miserable lately. Time outs all of the time and she has begun really defying Mike and I. All I ca

This is Jossy's favorite word again. She now does it for almost anything I ask her. She loves to say "no" while shaking her head from side to side. I've done some reading on this and it seems as if toddlers love to say this because it gives them a sense of control even if they really do want to say yes. For instance, we are riding in the car and I ask Jocelyn what song she wants to listen to. She says "Marching" or "Don't" (both of these are for songs on a kids cd my friend Hannah made for us). Once I switch to that song, she immediately says "no" shaking her head and then I begin to scan through each of the songs as she does this same thing for each one. Occasionally, she will stop and listen intently to a song for the first few beats until she decides, once again, to say "no". I can't help but laugh as she does this because she seems so sure of herself and her decisions. She is trying to be so independent yet as soon a

Today was Jocelyn's 18 month birthday. It is almost impossible for me to remember what she was like just a year ago. She was 6 months old, unable to walk or talk yet. She had only a tiny amount of hair and no teeth. In one short year, she has managed to walk, talk, dance, giggle, grow in 10 teeth and have enough hair to be able to wear pigtails. It's amazing how fast children grow in their first years of life. I relate it to how we grow as Christians (at least how I did). When you first accept Christ as your savior, all you want to do is eat, sleep and drink Him in. You have this kind of fire inside that grows rapidly and people can actually see you growing and learning. Eventually, you slow down a bit and the growth isn't as obvious. There is this time of rest and steady growth that allows you to mature your relationship. And this is the cycle that continues a lifetime and beyond. It's always hard for me to look back on when I first became a Christian and see how on fi

Round 2. Me versus the inner contents of my child's belly. Jossy woke up again, with vomit in her crib. Only today, she not only threw up in the crib, she threw up 3 more times in our room. So we were quarantined to the house today. I about went stir crazy! And the only way I was able to get my 18 month old to sit still so she didn't get sick again was to watch about 10 Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episodes. I am not sure I can watch that for at least another week. She is just such a busy body. She can't sit still but for 15 minutes at most. And I can't explain to her that it makes her tummy feel better if she stays still instead of running around the house. She has always been this active. Even in my belly she was this way. Always on the go and on to the next best thing. Which means that she will be a lot like me in that it will be hard for her to slow down and sit with God. I get so accustomed to going 100 miles a minute that when I sit down for some quiet time, it is all I

Today I woke up and went in to wake Jossy up at 730am. When I walked in the room the smell of vomit hit my nose immediately. She had thrown up all over her crib. It was in her hair, on her clothes, and all over the blankets. I felt so bad for her. She didn't seem to be too upset though. I picked her up and stripped her down to her onsie underneath. I began to gather the blankets, stuffed animals, sheets and other bedding that had been destroyed by the throw up. I took it to the sink and washed it off first and then started the washing machine while Jossy ate some cheerios and apple slices. The reason I am explaining all of this in such detail and as if it were just another day is because....it was just another day. You see, I have done this at least once or twice already. The first times I was in a panic and frustrated that my day started off so badly. This time, however, I felt bad for my little munchkin and just wanted to get things back to normal as quickly as possible for her.

Well today was Jossy first experience with a bully at the indoor playground. She was running around and enjoying the free space to roam, climb and slide until a little 3 1/2 or 4 year old snot nosed girl pushed her. At first, I didn't realize what was going on. I heard Jocelyn crying and looking for me so I went to get her. I saw this little blond girl standing behind her on the ramp and Joss was on the ground crying. I didn't know whether the girl had pushed her on purpose or she had knocked her over while trying to get around. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and picked Jossy up. Although, I should have known something was up when this girl ran away with a look of fear as showed up. I decided to keep an eye on her for the rest of the play time. And then it happened, AGAIN! This time I saw the incident go down. This girl full on slammed Jossy into the rock wall structure for no reason. I tried to get over in time to say something but as soon as Joss let out her first scream

This morning we all set down for breakfast before church and began to eat. Mike and I have tried to make a habit of praying before we eat 1..so that Jossy will learn to thank the Lord for food and 2...because we need to learn too! So we always say "Jossy, fold your hands and let's say grace". It usually takes us a few times before she figures out what we mean and then she will do it. Today, however, she was the one who reminded us. As soon as we all got to the table and pulled her chair up next to us, we began to eat and she looked at us and folded her hands. She was ready and knew what comes before we all eat. We were lazy and forgetful and had to have our tiny toddler remind us. So my realization is that while we, as parents, have a lot to teach our children about respecting the Lord and honoring Him through our actions, our children can teach us too! Their lives are so simple and not clouded by the busy stuff. It's a lot easier for them to appreciate the things tha

Yesterday, Jocelyn was finished with her dinner and running around the kitchen. I was cleaning up and Mike was finishing his last few bites. Jocelyn started whining about something she wanted and then when asked to do something, she wasn't listening. I told her that the next time I asked her, if she didn't listen, she would go in time out. Now, I am of the school of thought that the more I treat her and talk to her as if she understands, the more she really begins to understand. And she knew exactly what I had just told her because she went behind the table and tried to hide. She is just tall enough to peek over the top and see me if she tries. She looked up at me and then realizing I was watching her, she bowed her head as if I could no longer see her. She did this a few times and then finally came out from behind the table and did as she was told. This made me laugh a bit because she still thinks if she can't see me, then surely I can't see her :) And here is the Ah H

So today I can honestly say that I was not walking in or with the spirit. Especially when I got frustrated. Jocelyn was making it hard to get anything done this morning...but that just began to wear on me. Then she wouldn't nap at my friend's house and woke up after like 40 minutes miserable! Then my email account got hacked and my relative wired money to some crook in the UK (she stopped it before it actually went through). While all this was happening, I dropped an F bomb and got super angry that Jossy was being such a pain. hung up on both my husband and my mom....yelled at Jossy. It was bad. Truthfully, I don't really know how this relates to my relationship with God other than points out how very human I am. It's super humbling to know how quickly I fall short of His goodness and grace when put into a stressful situation. And the sad part is...I also know that is when it really counts. How you handle yourself when you get stressed out or put in bad situations. This

The verse I read this morning was Mark 4:20. It says " Others, like the seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop - thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown." Jesus was talking about what we are given through Him and what we do with it. I often times have to remind myself that I have been given a gift that I am not supposed to keep to myself. I forget to share what God has done for me. The most important person in my life that I should be sharing it with is Jocelyn. Obviously she has to make her own decision when she gets older but for now, I need to be sharing Jesus in small ways. Songs, reading from the bible, praying at every meal. These are the seeds that I should be planting in her and pray that they grown and flourish as she does. Jenna

Sorry it has been a few days since the last post. We went up to the mountains and I was unable to post for a few days. On the way home from the hills, I was resting my eyes listening to the radio when a short blip came on from a woman who was sharing a bit of her testimony. She said she has always struggled with depression and it was hard most days to get out of bed. But regardless of her own feelings and internal motivation, she would pray every morning "Lord, I don't know what my day looks like or how I will get through it but I know I will follow You." For whatever reason, this really stuck with me. I just want to follow where God wants me to go. If I do that, then life would be so simple (not easy) but simple. I began to reflect on how this looks from Jocelyn's point of view. She normally just goes with the flow. Wherever I go, she goes. When I say eat, she eats. When I say sleep, she sleeps. How simple her life is. I wish I could drain my brain of all these desir

If I thought yesterday was a bad day and I felt the need to yell at my 1 year old, today deserved 2x that! She was a nightmare after her nap. She cried for me the entire time and actually threw a huge melt down fit because she didn't want to go to her daddy. The difference in dealing with her today is how I started the day. I prayed this morning for patience and wisdom. And after my blog yesterday, I think it was still in my head and heart how loving God is towards us. I truly believe God gave me His attributes today. I loved her and remained patient with her because He is with me. I also pray that tomorrow is better than today (cause it was a rough afternoon)! Jenna

This blog is supposed to be real and about real experiences as a mom. I am going to be vulnerable here and expose myself. I was very frustrated with Jocelyn today. She was crying and whining and clingy and driving me crazy. I had plans in my head of how today would unfold and she was not helping with those plans at all. She begged to go downstairs and play in her ball pit. So I opened the door and told her to go ahead. Her reply? She screamed and cried because I was not going with her. To which I screamed: "Leave me alone and go play child!! I'm not going downstairs!!!". Her response? More tears and drama as she worked herself into a fit and followed me around yelling "Mama! Mama!" I felt really bad and realized I didn't help the situation by yelling at her so I picked her up and took her downstairs. I realize that giving in to what she wanted wasn't the best option either but I just love her too much to not take her into my arms. The rest of the day got

Jocelyn woke up around 2 am last night in a coughing fit. We usually have a humidifier running in our room and it's a little hard to hear her unless she's crying. For some reason, the humidifier wasn't working right and it was so quiet that I woke up after hearing Jossy cough. I went in her room and turned on the humidifier in her room. I rubbed vaporub on her chest, got her water and then proceeded to rock her while she slept upright in my arms. As I rocked her, I thought to myself "I am so tired, but there is no place I would rather be than right here holding my little one when she's sick." I remember when these nights used to happen a lot more when she was younger and I know I didn't think those same thoughts. Somehow, God has really changed my heart as a mother to instinctively care for her in the dead of sleep. Being a mom can be such a bumpy ride and so many twists and turns. I find myself getting less and less annoyed with her because I am content w

Yesterday was a somewhat uneventful day. We got up with every intention of going to church.Actually, this is debatable. I convinced myself very easily that there was too much to do and it would be best if we stayed home from church. I began doing chores, cleaning up, etc and realized that I felt convicted about not going to church. But I wasn't sure it was because I felt God wanted me there (I'm sure He did) but I kept thinking that people would judge us if we weren't there or that someone would miss us or that we can't go next week because we are out of town.....etc etc etc. So was I really wanting to go because I wanted to worship as a community, or was it more for show? We decided to go regardless and as we were almost out the door, we realized that Jossy's snotty nose was not just from teething, but there was bucket loads of it and it was green (yuck!). She was screaming and crying too. So we made the call to stay home because we didn't want to risk getting

While enjoying dinner at friends' house tonight, we got out some jenga pieces for Jocelyn to play with. We began setting them up like you would dominoes to form a design that we could knock down...the domino effect. Jocelyn has a thing with destroying any sort of stacked blocks and as it turns out, domino patterns. Each time we tried to set up a train, she would knock it down before we had a chance to make it long enough to enjoy watching it fall. Occasionally, she would allow us to make one long train and watch them all tumble in a pretty display. I can't imagine what we could have created if she would have let us set them all up! As I was thinking about my devo tonight, I thought this was a good analogy for how we, as humans, sometimes don't let God carry out His work to make it ultimately beautiful. Instead, we get impatient and take things in to our own hands causing things to crumble before they are ready. What if I chose every day to let God place one more domino down

I had lunch with a friend yesterday. The entire time, Jocelyn was so good and was content, listened well, and was overall a good little girl. My friend was impressed with how well Jossy did being out so long. In fact, I felt like everyone around me thought she was amazing (that might be in my head). The point is that I was proud of my little toddler. I felt confident as a mother and wanted to show her off to everyone. I kind of think this is how God feels about me when I listen to Him and follow His directions or path for my life. He's a proud Papa. He can look down and say "well done, my good and faithful servant." I am not always determined to make Him proud but I should be. Nothing feels better than a pat on the back from the creator of the world! Matthew 25:23 Jenna

Jocelyn is becoming quite the independent little lady. She likes to drink out of her own cup and rarely lets me help her with the things she has mastered. She is even so stubborn as to not even kiss me with her lips, but rather she bows her head into me when I ask her for lovins and I am supposed to just kiss her head. Today, she wouldn't even sit next to me as we watched her favorite show. This breaks my heart a little bit. I know it's a phase and she will cuddle again but I can't help but think how extremely hurt God must be when I don't want to "snuggle" with Him. He is just ready for me to come running into His loving arms so He can wrap them tight around me. I choose, on occasion, to run the other way and have the nerve to expect Him to chase me. While I always come running back, He wouldn't have to take me. But as any parent would do, He always has His arms ready to snuggle me back in. Ready to tell me it's okay. Ready to not let me fall. I choos

Jocelyn has her safety binkies. They are a stuffed moose and her paci. She normally only gets them in her crib when she is sleeping but lately I have been lazy and letting her have them whenever. They make her feel better for some reason. She has loved on the moose since she was born. So much so that the head has fallen off 3 times and the antlers twice. We sew the head back on for her so that this poor moose doesn't look pitiful. As I am reflecting on today, I realize that these two things make her feel safe and in control. If she is scared or nervous, they console her. If she is tired, they help her sleep. This leads me to believe that we develop idols at a very young age. An idol is anything that comes between me and God. This can be money, love for another, vanity, etc. I personally struggle with acceptance (if you couldn't tell that from any of my other posts) and security (mainly with money). These things are my moose and paci. When I get scared or in trouble, I am quick

This weekend was a busy weekend again. I did get to enjoy a whole Sunday with my husband and daughter though. On Sunday morning, we contemplated whether or not to go to church because we had so much to do around the house. I hadn't been in 2 weeks so it was kind of important for me to go. I felt I needed to worship. Mike chose to come with too. The sermon was about 2 parables. One on humility and the other on persistence of prayer. Both topics were very interesting and always applicable I feel. I found my mind wandering a bit though. I began thinking about sharing my faith and how scary it sometimes is to talk to people about Jesus. Why??? I have no idea. Fear of judgement. Fear of persecution. Fear of not fitting in. That fear can be paralyzing and detrimental to me, but selfish too. God did not create us to fear anything but Him (in a healthy reverence of course). He wants us to share His story so that we may all live the lives He created us to live, not just a few of  us who are

Today we stopped at the park for a few minutes before going home to get some fresh air. The little playground around the corner from our house isn't huge and only has a few things to play on. There is a bouncing grasshopper thing, 2 big kid swings, a rock wall and 2 slides (1 little, 1 big). Jossy loves, LOVES to slide. She will climb up those little steps and get right up in the window of the slide and then sit down and push. Well...at least she does this on the little slide. She was so excited today after going down the small slide that she got up the courage to walk up a few more steps to the Big Kid slide. She knows that I will catch her at the bottom and she's gone down the slide with me before, but never on her own. She tried a few ways to sit before sliding down but for some reason, she just couldn't figure it out and she became too afraid to go down. She decided to turn around and head back the small slide. As I thought about my day and what God had to teach me toda

It wasn't until about half way through the day that I realized my daughter is just one month away from being 18 months old. While in the grand scheme of things, she is still such a baby, but it is so amazing to me that this time last year she had just started sleeping through the night and only ate rice cereal and milk. Someone once told me that the older we get, the quicker the years go by. It's not that time is going any faster but every year we add on to our lives makes the next year that much smaller in comparison. For instance, if you are 5, 1 year of your life is 1/5th of your life. If you are 30, 1 year of your life is only 1/30th....So for Jocelyn, her year must seem like an eternity. But for me, it's a flash. A lot like this life. We are really only here for a small fraction of eternity. This is like a blip on the radar screen. It's kind of sad, but it's also pretty awesome. We can enjoy this life now but we enjoy eternity forever. This life comes  with sad

Jossy goes through these phases where all she wants are "nacks" or snacks. She sometimes eats all day long. Nothing really substantial, just snacks. There is such a fine line of letting her just be happy with the snacks and making sure she is eating a good breakfast, lunch and dinner that will sustain her. This is one of those fun parenting things I have come love (eh, rather hate actually). What should I do? If she's hungry I don't want to deprive her. I also don't want her sole comfort to come from food.  Ahhhh!!! So how do I relate this to my relationship with God? Well, I remember a long time ago I would meet with two friends of mine and we went through a bible study every Tuesday night. We began talking about times when God holds our hands every step of the way and times He lets us walk a bit on our own. He never leaves our side but He does allow us to take steps without His hand. The same thing with my spiritual growth and feeding. There are times I need God

This weekend at a conference, I sat a table that had place cards in front of each chair. Each one had a phrase or two with affirmations that we could take home and say to ourselves. The one in front of me wasn't really an affirmation as much as it was something that I need to hear.  It said this: I have compassion for my parents' childhoods. I now know that God chose them because they were perfect for what I had to learn. I forgive them and set them free, and I set myself free. For a second, I was like "why in the world did I get this one? This isn't an affirmation!" But if you know me, you know that one of my strongest gifts is connectedness. It means that I believe God ties every little detail together and nothing is insignificant. So, of course, this card was placed there for a reason. I think so often as children, we think we can do so much better than our parents. We look back at our childhoods and judge or criticize what they could have done differently

This might be a short post today, only because I caught up the past 8 days worth earlier. We have been teaching Jocelyn little things like how to say please and how to fold your hands when you pray. I taught her a few months ago that when I ask "Where is Jesus?" she points to her heart. Not sure she quite grasps that idea just yet but it is a good reminder to me. We were having dinner at my mom's house tonight and there is a picture of Jesus hanging on her wall by the kitchen. My mom asked Jossy "Where is Jesus?" expecting her to point at the picture hanging on the wall like she apparently has before when staying over. But instead, after many attempts at getting her to do it on her own, she pointed to her heart! I was filled with Joy! Once again, proving that she does in fact listen to me :) Actually, I don't think it's me at all. She listens to her Creator. The one who calls to her every day. He just uses me to teach her. I just realized that I have a p

This weekend I had to go to an all day event for work. I had to leave Jocelyn with Mike. I was gone before she woke up both days and home about an hour before she went to bed. I wanted to squeeze tons of fun into that hour and enjoy her. We decided to play "hide and go seek" on Saturday night. Jossy and I hid first behind the curtains. She giggled with excitement as Mike came for us but it was hard for her to sit still and stay quiet. Next, it was our turn to find her daddy. We went into the family room to find him and I spotted his toes peeking out from under the curtains in there. It took Jossy a moment to find her daddy but when I asked "where's daddy?" she looked at the curtain and tore it away from the window! She squealed with delight as his face peeked out. I think she had more fun finding him than when she hid. I think it's like this for my relationship with God. There are times I hide from Him and times I am trying to find Him. I know when I am hidi

It is amazing to me how one day with a toddler can reach so many highs and yet hit so many lows all in the same 12 hours. For instance, Jocelyn can have a great morning. We play, she eats breakfast like a champ, she entertains herself and is content. But after she wakes up from her nap, it's like a new child emerges! She's moody, whiny, needs attention every minute of the hours. These polar opposite behaviors drive m batty! In some ways I feel that this behavior keeps me on my toes because I never know what to expect. On the other hand, I wish she would just stay content with what I have to offer her. I wonder how frustrated God gets with us when one minute we are perfectly content with Him and the next we rebel because we get restless. My sinful nature is a fact. It starts before birth and continues all of my life. In a book about Mary (the mother of Jesus) by Francine Rivers, she illustrates how Mary might have felt raising Jesus versus her other children. Jesus was content a

Jocelyn and I have this fun little game. It's called "jump on my back and I'll take you down the stairs." She is barely able to get her little arms around my neck but she holds on as tight as she can. Sometimes she even jumps on my back when I'm sitting on the floor playing with her. The thing is...she knows how to go down the stairs on her own. She loves the thrill of the ride from up high. I think because she can see so much more on my back as we walk down and she knows I won't drop her (at least I haven't yet). I relate this to my relationship with the Lord. I know how to do life alone. I have done it before and I usually make it to the bottom. When I jump on God's back and ride with Him, oh how the view changes! Life is more fun and the worry of falling is minimized. Let me tell you, when Jocelyn wraps her arms around me, my heart gushes! I am certain God's heart is overflowing when we are riding with Him. Go ahead and jump on! Jenna

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything around you seems total and utter chaos? It's not a hard thing to come by with a toddler in the house. She's screaming because she can't have the toy she wants, the phone is ringing, someone is at the door, laundry needs done, dishes are dirty....ahhhhh!!! And all the while, I am just trying to get a glimpse of my Savior in this madness. He is there. He is in the middle of it all. He' begging me to run to Him. This reminds m that my quite time with Him is so important and vital to my sanity. But it also shows me that even when other things cloud up my day, I can still choose Him. I just have to trust He's there even when life is a wreck. He's there. Thank you Jesus!! You are here. Psalm 46:1 Jenna

I read somewhere that your eyes are the same size from birth until you die. Then I did some research and found that this is not exactly true. Your eyes are smaller at birth but they reach their full size around 4 years of age. I think that it's still pretty fascinating that they are almost full grown in the first few years of your life and everything else grows so rapidly and much larger for many more years. Why is this so interesting to me? I think it's because God can be seen through the same eyes at any age. I often forget that Jossy has the ability even at her age, to see her creator. He created us and knit us together in our mother's womb. Why would I ever doubt that she has an inability to have a relationship with God in some capacity. I may not understand how she sees Him or what she actually understands, but I believe she knows. My job as a parent is to help her see Him and recognize Him. She can feel His love through me. The best way for me to do this??? Be the Exa

My toddler, Jocelyn, hates when things are the same all of the time. She is just like me. Change is good. So when her days get monotonous, she starts to act out and get into unexplored areas that are not meant for her. This natural tendency for new and exciting is part of our human nature, but also way it is so hard to be obedient to God when things stay still. When my relationship with God gets boring for me, I start looking for something else. This need for "new" is telling God, "not good enough anymore." I struggle with this daily. This is why it is so fascinating to me to see this personality trait manifest itself in a 17 month old. I don't think curiosity in itself is bad. God created u for the desires to search and explore....to search and explore in order to find Him in everything! My challenge for each day this year is to find something I never knew about God or see Him in a way that I never have. That should get me through the days that seem too long a

We work so hard for our parents' approval because we want (even if we try not to), be just like them. My daughter, Jocelyn, is motivated by attention and approval. Most children like approval but I think my little toddler desperately needs it. Hmmm...a lot like me I guess. When she does something she is proud of, she comes running to me for that praise. She imitates us by doing "big girl things" like putting on our shoes, ties, belts and necklaces. She just wants to be like us and join our "big kid" world. This got me thinking. Since God is the ultimate parent, why is that I don't seek God's approval as much as everyone else in the world? Can I follow my daughter's example by going to Him for all of my needs? I should be imitating His example just like she imitates us. I should be seeking His approval above all else. The story of Jacob and Esau in the Old Testament is a perfect example of the desperate things people do for approval. The sad part is

I began 2012 with some excitement and expectations, but mostly a feeling of longing. As I sat down to turn those feelings over to God, I realized that the longing I was feeling was a longing for Him. I believe that God is asking me to take another step towards Him. I have rededicated my life to Christ now for almost 7 years and just as any relationship has it's peaks and valleys, the one with my Creator does too. So my newest resolution is to do a daily blog about being a mom and the things that God teaches me through my toddler. I will try and post daily as much as possible and weekends will be counted as 1 day. I have written a few already so I will catch those up into the post. I hope that the words I write will speak to you as God has used them to speak to me. Happy New Year and may the Lord bless you this year by growing your desire to search for Him! Jenna